Meeting New Friends In Retirement-Sometimes You Have to Take the Bull by the Horns

Although it may come as a shock to many of my readers, I am not naturally outgoing-at least in new situations. Oh sure, once I have been in a group situation for awhile, I can turn into Mrs. talkative. But in a new place, meeting new people, for the first time?  I don't do so well. It takes me some time.

I'm not one of those people who have had lifelong friendships since college forever and ever.  I came from a close family and we tended to be friends when we were kids. During my marriage I had casual friendships and my best friend was my husband. Most of my friendships are with people who "like to do the same stuff", so with the exception of close church friends I have knitting friends and book club friends......you get the idea.

While this may sound odd coming from a girl who enjoys traveling alone and thinks she meets more people that way I can only say-this is different. Having casual conversations at a shared dinner or while viewing a sculputure or enjoying a harbor boat ride is not the same-even of those relationships end up with promises to write or call if their next road trip comes my way.

I force myself to go out, because I am a social being at heart-as well as being a homebody.  I think there is even a word for folks like me-"social hermit". So when I relocated, I searched for a church that was not only progressive and did social justice work, but also had active and involved social activities- and a welcoming committee. Because I needed people who were willing to reach out to me.  I went to the local quilting guild and joined up-and eventually found a small quilting group to join. I walked into our local, very independent bookstore and saw a group of women knitting-and gathered my courage and asked if I could sit down and learn. I joined a silver sneakers class just so I could be talking with others during that hour. I volunteered for something that was close to my heart, and met other volunteers with the same perspective. And eventually, I found a community. I would be the first to admit it took some time-and bravery on my part

But while it was a fair amount of work in the beginning, I had my full health, I had a church and more-all things that others do not.  I also had family, even when I was living alone-at least in the same town.  And while I was making those connections (and afterward) I realized that for many people, making friends after retirement is difficult. Even more difficult than it was for me. Even if we don't move, the people we were once involved with may not be who we are involved with now. Or even who we want to be involved with. People and friends or acquaintances  often disappear  or realign (for lack of a better phrase) post work or post empty nest. Our friends are our neighbors and then we move. Our friends are our kids' friend's parents-who we may not have much in common with when the kids are gone. And this is not just something that affects those of us who are solo. 

 Last fall I went to a fairy garden making workshop, where one of the other participants was a woman with her granddaughter. During our hour or so of chatting, it was clear that she was terribly bored, needing socialization other than her husband and not sure now to get it.  I am sure she is not alone. I have found a balance that works for me- at my level of social involvement. But it was not easy (although more than worth it in the long run), and frankly I knew that there were other people to meet that I would like-if I ever found them.

Some time back, I became involved in my next door community.  This is a great group and a great way to communicate among neighbors, albeit mainly through the Internet and mainly when it comes to recommendations, neighborhood issues and so on. Someone has found a lost dog.  A lady a few blocks away posted yesterday because there was an injured coyote in her yard (yes, we live amongst nature). Someone is looking for a restaurant or the local rec center is letting us know about closing and special schedules. There are occasional social gatherings, such as a small bunco group, but this is not the primary focus.

And then, all of a sudden a woman posted on my next door group. Put simply, she was retired, had no one to talk to except her husband and granddaughter.  She was looking for friends-any friends.  Did any one else feel the same way she did? I can only imagine what it took for this (seemingly) mainly shy gal to do this. And here's where it gets really good.  Because my friends, if she had one response, she must have had thirty. Women, men, married and not married.  All interested in meeting friends in the neighborhood, many with the same issue that "B" had.  Mainly (but not all) boomers and retirees, with all different perspectives and lifestyles.

In fact, last week, they met for lunch on a Friday. Where it was such a success, that this hesitant woman has opened her house for a second, weekend potluck in order to include those still in the working world. Which I will probably attend-because you can never have too many friends.  And because, after all-neighbors.

All of which is my small way of saying, post of Next Door. Or stop when you see that group at the book store, or the back room at Joanne crafts or at your neighborhood public pool or at the library. Sometimes you wont be a match, sometimes the differences will be too great. But just as often, you'll find people who you will mesh with. And once you meet people, in general they will then introduce you to other people. Who you may have even more in common with. And it will all be worth it. 

Because, friends. We all need them, in one way or another. And waiting for them to come to you?  That just doesnt work.