Afternoon Tea-and Friendship in Retirement

This afternoon some of my gals group went to afternoon tea. Every so often I do a search of places we can go and see if anything new appears-which it usually does since in the Denver area there are really good restaurants opening up all the time. This time I went searching for tea-and lo and behold, a new tea restaurant had opened up just at the beginning of January in my little suburb. 

So yea, this afternoon seven of us went off to tea!  While I am generally loath to take pictures of my food when I am eating, this is a sample of the dessert course, with four desserts for each person, all of which were so very yummy. We also had three scones each (with clotted cream, lemon curd and strawberry preserves), Lemon cream, blueberry, and poppy seed. And of course my friends, there were sandwiches. Curried egg salad, chicken salad croissants, cucumber sandwiches, mini quiche Florentine, and two other canapes. It's a darned good thing I walked both before and after said tea service, let me tell you.

Since this was a new place, and not just a new place to us, we spent time talking to the owner. It seems that her daughter's dream was to open a tea shop. Mom already was making baked goods and selling them to various restaurants and such. So they combined both their loves, chose a location and went into business. The kind of story you love to hear, from people who jumped into their small business with both feet. As a group, we women of a certain age are committed to supporting local businesses, so I just know we will be returning as a group and individually!

We left satiated, relaxed and talking about what else we would like to do in the near future. a fun afternoon was had by all. This even though we are fluid group and some had never met each other before. I had a lovely afternoon. And I realized that much of this was because a. I was open to friendship from others, and b. I was willing to post that question on my local Facebook group all those months ago: "If I started a group for women of a certain age, what would we call it"?

I am not an introvert, although it can take me awhile to step off the precipice into a new social situation.  And I was not "lonely" as such when I began this group. I was active in my church, knitting and happy hour-ing every week, and meeting folks through workouts and such. But... I knew I wanted more. And I knew that there were people like me-and different from me-with the same needs. People who had come to Colorado to be closer to kids and grand kids and didn't know anyone. Women who were retired and who had husbands still working and needed a social outlet. Women who had just retired and had no social outlets outside of work and didn't know where to turn. Women who were single, women who were married and women who were probably in between.

In today's tea group there is a woman from my church who is married and who travels and quilts. One woman is a lifelong Colorado-er who has recently retired and is looking to make friends. Another gal is here half the month and in New York half the month with the rest of her family-and is still looking to make friends. Two of us are widows, one is a divorcee and the rest are married. And we possibly would not have met, except for a group like this one.

If there is one thing I have learned in retirement, it is that socialization and friendship are important. Many of us are in new situations, even if we have not moved. We are looking to connect. No matter where we are. Married, single, widow, all or none. Grandparents and not grandparents. Liberals and moderate and conservatives. Home bodies or social butterflies. Not only is it important to be willing to step outside of your conform zone to meet these "others", you should be willing to take the initiation if that is what's needed. 

And I say that realizing just how hard it is to do both.

Another thing I have learned is that not all those friendships and connections will be deep, close and personal. Many will be based on chatting at lunch, taking trips and going to concerts together, and sharing a hobby. And that's just fine. Just as it's fine that some in my group will be closer to each other than others will be on occasion. One of the gals in my group has become my "plus one" at things like church dinner groups. We are not BFFs and may never be, but we have found common ground in some areas and as such see each other outside the group. This will happen for some, and not for others. Connections, are connections, period. And every connection, friendship, social encounter does not have to be of the deep "I feel you" variety. Or, as a Dallas friend once said to me: She has her best friend from childhood. She also has her church friends and her knitting friends and her book group friends. Some times those cross over and sometimes they don't. And that works for her.

Last but not least, and although it may be hard to believe for some (especially hearing this from me, lol) you can also be friends with people who think differently and like different things. While I have some very  strong opinions and we don't discuss politics as a rule in this group, I am not one who thinks that everyone has to believe as I do for me to socialize with them. Aside from the political thing, some of us go to church (or temple, or mosque) and some of us don't. Some of us like artistic things, and some do not. Some like games and some don't, some of us are travelers, some are not. Some of us like Indian food and some do not. Some are dog people, some are cat people. The list could go on. In this group our only guidelines other than not talking politics is that we mainly do stuff during the day (because we can) and we try hard not to talk about children as such (our children or our children's children).

Meeting people in retirement is NOT easy. Even if you've lived in the same town and in the same neighborhood most likely. But I can pretty much promise you that wherever you live, whether you believe it or not, there ARE people like you, looking to make connections and meet other people.

But to meet them you may need to step out of your comfort zone, just a little! Because believe me, if I-who took four weeks to get up the courage to go to a knitting meet-up can do it, you probably can as well.