Wednesday, November 15, 2017

My Name Is Not Honey (or dear, or sweetie)!

Not too long ago, I read this article on Next Avenue, about the angst some over fifty types experience when someone calls them ma'am (or even gives up their subway seat, apparently).  And I get it, really I do. During my working years, my line used to be "Mrs. Bomberger is my mother-in-law, please do call me Barbara".  And while as I've aged a bit I'm not quite so opposed to the ma'am/age respect factor, I do appreciate the automatic cringe factor that some folks feel.

But I have to tell you. I personally would much, much rather be called, ma'am, or even "hey you" than the phrases people (especially those in the service industry and medical field) use when they come in contact with women (and I suppose some men) of a certain age. And the younger they are, the more they seem to feel the need to use the terms dear, honey, or sweetie, in my direction.  This tendency by the youthful to call their elders "dear" seems to increase in direct proportion with age. I've sen the same phraseology used towards my (admittedly twenty plus years older) father in law in his assisted living program. And his mind is fully intact.

Now inevitably, someone from seriously southern climes is going to say something about it being the norm, polite behavior or signs of affection.  To you I say, to put it simply, no. It's not particularly polite, it's certainly not respectful from my perspective. And frankly, why a sales person, restaurant worker or the nurse in the ER/Urgent care feels that he or she should share affection as such, I'm not sure I understand. Kindness, sympathy, all those other things, yes. But the affection of honey and sweetie? Those should be reserved for family members or extremely close friends, at least in my perspective. And for those who consider those words "nurturing"?. Please think again.

For what it's worth (since I know not only boomers and retirees read this blog), if you are one of those people I'm sure you don't MEAN to be condescending. And you probably don't mean to be patronizing. In fact, you figure you're being nice. And kind. And probably nurturing.  But I'm old enough to be your mom, or your mom's good friend, or your aunt, or your boss. Would you call any of them honey in public? At least on a regular basis?

And what's most offensive, is that (at least in my experience) this is much more a female than a male thing. And women should, frankly, know better. My thirty something daughter recently had a new guy at her place of work, who came up to her and said. "Hello, darlin, I'm Mike". At which point she smiled at him and said "Elizabeth" (not her real name). This continued for a few days in the workplace. He finally looked at her and said something along the lines of which were that he didn't mean to offend her, he was just being "southern and friendly". She smiled and answered "I understand that, but the only person who gets to call me darlin is my husband". Enough said.

So my question is, if you would become upset if a coworker, stranger, or boss used such phraseology with you, why is it okay for you to do the same to someone else? And why do you get offended when "called" on it. I for one make every effort not to call young people sweetie or dear and between college classes and my neighborhood or the like, I come in contact with more than a few. Because i feel it would be beyond condescending. I only wish that feeling went both ways.

Because honestly, I struggle with a way to deal with this without sounding completely snarky or the proverbial bitch from hell. I mean, if I actually say "I'm not your sweetie" or "Sweetie isn't my name", the look on injury on the party spoken to is beyond words. I could call you sweetie every time you called me dear. I could, in some circumstances (and have), say "I'm Mrs. Bomberger, but you can call me Barbara".

Or better yet, you could ask me what I'd like to be called. Or call me the name you see on my medical sheet or reservation or identification. Or simply avoid the "title" completely, because after all, using a title or name in every conversation is not an absolute requirement in polite society.

Or, let's face it, you could just call me ma'am. And honestly, that would be just fine.

Readers and fellow bloggers, what do you think. Am I overreacting? Being unrealistic? Taking offense to easily?  Where do you stand on the "Honey, sweetie, dear" method of communication?  And if you object, how do you deal with this issue?

33 comments:

  1. I used to get offended. Now I just roll with it. I am called dear on a frequent basis and I've started calling others dear to even things out, lol. Seriously, it really doesn't bother me anymore. I think most people use it harmlessly. Likewise with honey.

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    1. I've tried to go there-and do try and consider the other side, but especially withall the sexism and ageism issues w're seeing lately.

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  2. I see your point, but, I believe most people that use it do it as a term of endearment and mean well and I actually think that's nice in this ever increasing hostile world we live in. Just my two cents.

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    1. I'm honestly not at all sure that most people mean it as an endearment, althogh they may mean well,

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  3. Interesting how we all react differently. I HATE Ma'am but don't mind Honey or Sweetie (if used by another woman, younger or older). Now if a man called me those I would bristle...

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    1. Well let me state here that this phrase is used by both young men and women.

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  4. Different areas of the UK have different affectionate terms that might be used by workers to clients, bar staff to customers etc. These are said in a particular accent and are part of the local lingo - Glaswegians call women 'hen', people from the Potteries will call you 'duck' etc. ( they're not all bird names). I don't mind being called doll, darling etc but I understand how it annoys others.

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    1. We all have our different perspectives, Penny, and I'm sure it depends on where we come from, among other things! Thanks!

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  6. Funny, how differently people perceive things. I'm quite offended if someone calls me ma'am, but feel I'm on more of a level playing field when someone calls me dear or sweetie..

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    1. Yes indeed, different perspectives. I find ma'am to be very respectful.

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  7. I hate being called sweetie, dear and honey or hon. I much prefer ma'am, although now it seems the trend is to call women "miss" instead of ma'am. I think that's silly given the white hair on my head. My DH and I have never used endearments with each other, but I do sometimes call my kids honey.

    The first time someone offered up their bus seat, I was appalled and didn't take it. After that I thought, hey, if someone is going to let me sit down, I might as well do it.

    Sheila

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    1. Im with you Shiela on the us seats, or on te benches waiting for our reservation as well...

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  8. I'm probably more offended when someone I don't know calls me "young lady" when I obviously am not that anymore.....no one called me that when I WAS a "young lady" so the fact that they do now feels like an attempt at insincere flattery..........I guess some things hit us differently than they do other people and maybe they really do have good intentions..........

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    1. I dont think I've ever had the young lady thing, at least not since I was one-and that was the phrase my parents used for discipline-my full name including middle and then something like "and exactly where have you been, young lady", lol

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  9. I am called sweetie frequently, and hate it! It is directly related to age since this didn't start until I reached a certain age. I feel it is condescending, and assumes you are childlike and/or incompetent. I haven't found a good response to this that doesn't sound rude.

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    1. I agree, that I struggle with the response, and no one called me sweeties at thirty or forty, except for men whowere asking to be slapped, ya know!

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  10. I don't mind being called honey, hon, sweetie or dear. It just doesn't bother me. I don't care to be called little lady or young lady. That to me is condescending.

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  11. It doesn't bother me unless it is an obvious slam. Maybe I need to pay attention more.

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  12. I've gotten to the point that people can call me whatever they want unless I can sense there is more to it. One of my old youth group members always calls me "Beautiful" and I take that as a compliment as he means well.

    God bless.

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  13. Here in the islands every woman over a certain age is called "auntie" (men are called uncle). It's a term of respect. I'm 65, and I call women older than me "auntie." I've never heard anyone here use the terms "honey," "sweetie," or "dear" (thank goodness). When I did hear them back on the mainland, they all just rolled off of my shoulders - they were meaningless to me. If someone did use them, I'd just nicely say, "You can call me Laura."

    When I was teaching, I always asked to be called 'Laura" by my students, who were all adults, and told them "Mrs. X is my husband's mother." Most of my students called me "Teacher" though. I told them that was what little children called their teachers here in the U.S. because they couldn't remember their teacher's name. I knew my students meant well and were trying to be respectful when they called me Teacher (because that's what they did in their native countries), but I had to remind them that here in the U.S. it's easy to use a name or a toss-off term of endearment, but respect in our culture is shown in other ways, and if I or your boss or someone else invites you to use their name, it's disrespectful not to.

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  14. I don't worry about it at all. I figure most of the time they mean well. Like Jackie, I had a young man (a friend) recently call me "beautiful" and I loved it, although I know he meant it differently than if he had said it to a young woman. Now I'll admit I recently had a fairly new friend who is about 10 years my junior tell me how to operate something on my car that I knew very well how to operate and I wondered how she viewed our relationship. Did she view herself as somewhat of a benevolent caregiver. Silly of me, but I could not help it. Different things bother different people, I guess.

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  15. I absolutely hate being called--Miss, sugar, sweetie, dear. I saw I am not a child, a virgin or an old woman inn a nursing home who needs to be patted on the head. All are condescending terms for all women. Just because it does not offend a person does not mean it is okay. It just means her consciousness has not been raised. She has not examine what she is in the eyes of these people. Calling women hen, ducky, kitten, or any other animal name puts her on the level of a cute little furry animal. Calling someone "doll" is putting her in the position of being inanimate, just in the imitation of human female, something that does not act, but is acted upon.

    I tell women that they don't know me well enough to call me dear or sweetie. And, we will never be that close. I have had adult women and teens of both sexes say they were taught to say that to be polite. I become a hissing bitch and tell them they were taught wrong. One young woman said,
    I don't know your name! What should I call you if not dear or sweetie?" I said, "How about Ma'am?" Her mouth just hung open. I live in the deep South in a rural area where people are not well-educated. Most of these people who offend me are Walmart employees. A male manager was defending Southern manners and tradition when I complained. I pointed out he was polite and had never called me an affectionate name. He blushed a bright red.

    On the grounds of being Southern, a person could just as well defend the use of the N word. When I point this out, the person says, "Oh, I would never say THAT!" "Well, why do you insist you can call me something that is offensive to me?"

    I absolutely hate being called a young lady and tell the guy so right then and there. I am 71 and do not look that old. However, I am not a young lady. Since I was only called this after I was 50, this appears to be insincere flattery and something I desire to hear.

    I also hate it when someone younger talks to me like I am the village idiot. I am more computer literate than most of my peers, yet people assume that because of my age, I must know nothing. That is why I finally got a smart phone--to keep up.

    I am sure this is very long. sorry

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  16. God how I love your mind.
    First of all this will get me in trouble with southerners. Just because you think it's fine - does not make it fine. I hear this BS too often. I find being called pet names as terrible manners. Period. End of story. The whole, "they mean well" Then DO WELL. That is an excuse for lazy and disrespect. If they meant well they would use my name and if they feel the need to say something nice they say that. But don't call me pet names and act like it's a nice thing to do. I had a friend who was called pet names on a regular basis by one customer. She called him sugar shorts in response. His reaction was great. He huffed, "What did you call me?" Sugar shorts she responded. Why? She told him you call me disrespectful names when you know my name is Melanie and I just thought you liked it. He never did it again. At least he was smart enough to "get it"

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  17. I hear you. And sometimes it depends upon the day and the mood I'm in. I've been referred to as "dear" more often when I don't color my hair and let the chrome shine through. There is a certain condescending tone that comes with it unlike those truck stop waitresses that refer to all as honey. Now I'm making a judgement. All in all, I'd rather be referred to "there" as in "Hello, there."

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    1. That last line should read - I'd rather be referred to as honey than "there" as in "Hello, there"'

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  18. Doesn’t bother me at all. When someone is kind, why should I be offended. I’m offended by the state of the environment and by our political situation but someone doing their job and calling me dear, not at all. Same with Happy Holidays. YMMV.

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  19. I just love when a true Southerner calls me "honey." But other than that it is very annoying.Sweetie and dear-- jeezz..come on!! All right up there with "you guys." How about,"Madeline" or even "Mrs. Kasian?? "

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  20. Really in the big picture - I am just not that upset with being called dear - sweetie or honey - I've never felt the intention was anything but nice. There a lot of names I might be offended to be called but certainly not these. Move on.

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    1. Agreed- much better than the B word LOL. My southern grandsons sir and mam' folks; the neighbor girl age 9 calls me Nan which I find way too familiar. She's from NY. I'm not going to correct her though- she's a 'sweetie.'

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    2. Everyone's perspective is different, and while I have no intention of "moving on" I am looking for a way to find a different "monniker" without hurting the feelings of the speaker.

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  21. I bristle when a younger person calls me 'dear' or 'honey.' I think it is rude and patronizing and demonstrates a lack of manners. I typically say something along the lines of "Please feel free to call me Mary. I actually prefer that." I was a nurse practitioner at a Harvard teaching hospital before I retired. Never, ever would I call a patient 'dear,' etc.

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  22. I work at a place where I get along with my coworkers so well that my job is very secure and I work with the public. Anyway today one of the customers really irritated me, so I gave her a comeback. She then called me "dear" at the end of the transaction, so I just rolled my eyes.

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Thanks for stopping by! I love to hear from others, and I also love to hear all points of view.. Just leave the profanity and insults at home, OK? Thanks!!